Why Billy Boyd's head exploded, and other one shots
by Gollum girl2003 Coraline
Summary: A group of Humor/ parody one shot's including 'Who's the father' and 'It all started with hiccups.' Ch 3- It all started with hiccups, pt 1 My insane explanation on why Arwen took Glorfindel's place in FotR in Peter Jackson's trilogy. Introducing Glorfindel, Elladan, Elrohir and other elf-y characters. Elladan uses phobias as insults and Arwen quotes Coraline, Read and Review plz
1. Why Billy Boyd's head exploded and other

Chapter one: Why Billy Boyd's head exploded.

**HI! You've probably gone on to this thinking WTF?! And I don't blame you. These stories/one shots are humor/parody stories that are a bit wierd. Look forward to 'It all started with hiccups' and 'who's the father' et cetera. By the way, who's the father is about the time Frodo became pregnant when he ate a custard slice. I will take my time with updating as soon as I have come up with ideas or I have nothing else to do. So, this is a song/poem thing in which every fellowship actor does something to any the hell out of Billy. It's rhymes and it's weird. Oh, and John R.D is John Rhys Davies, by the way. I couldn't fit his name in without it not rhyming. Okay, so enjoy this story and yeah... Don't die.**

**A/N 2: Hi, sorry. All bits in** **_italics_**** aren't part of the song/poem because I couldn't make it work. This IS weird so if your sensible, I recommend not to read this, you head will explode too.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, apart from Orlando Bloom, I currently have him locked in my room with nothing but a WiFi-less laptop. *Evil laugh*.**

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Me: You know Gina, apparently Billy Boyd's head exploded during filming of The Fellowship of the Ring.

Gina (my friend, JRRcrystal is her pen name on this site): *Looks at me blankly*. Who's Billy Boyd?

Me: *Sighs* Pippin.

Gina: *Squeals* I wuv Poppin!

Me: No Glorfy, Pippin, not Poppin. He isn't a nanny with a flying umbrella, he's a Took.

Gina: Ohh... So, why did his head explode.

Me: *Shrugs* How should I know?

*Suddenly, my friend Elouise [elouisetucker99] skips up to us with a band of conga-ing leprichauns.*

Gina: *Makes a sound like a dying horse*. What are _those?!_ *Points to the lepricauns now doing the macarena*.

Elouise: Singing leprichuans. They have a song/poem, thing to tell you why Billy's head blew up.

Me: Okay, shoot.

Leprechaun number No. 1 (who hence forth for simplicity's sake be named Bob Flim Flam): *Sounds really high picked and a bit like the rabbit Gromit in Wallis and Gromit and the Curse of the Were-Rabbit just Irish* _Well, it all started when Orlando saw a surfboard and wanted to try it out. _

All of the leprechauns: *Sounds like a dying Storm trooper*. Orlando B. went up a tree to try out his new surfboard. He hit Viggo on the head which led to this...

Leprechaun No. 2 (O' Really): *Sounds like leprechuan No. 1*. Viggo M. could somehow count to ten and decided to explode.

Bob Flim Flam: So Billy Boyd began to avoid any M surnamed actors.

Gina: Pippin!

Me: *Face palms.*

All of the leprechauns: Dominic gave birth to a hen and weirded Billy lots more! _So he cooked him an egg, _such a happy, merry egg. (_His Grandchild)_

Gina: Pippin!

Me: *Face palms again*.

O' Really:_ Suddenly... _Elijah Wood reinvented as much as he could and made Billy faint.

Gina: Awww... Poor Pippin.

Me: *Groans*.

Elouise: *Quite a good voice, actually* Sir Ian turned bright neon, and gave P.J some purple hay.

All the leprichauns: _Billy got some very odd comandments and a orange pig while he was at it. _

Gina: Piggy and Pippin!

Me: WILL YOU STOP DOING THAT ALREADY GLORFINDEL! ERU, LUTHIEN LIBBY IS BETTER AT NOT FANGIRLING AT PIPPIN THAN YOU!

Gina: *Squeaks*.

Leprichuan No.3 (Geoff Hufflepuff): Sean Astin lost seven pounds and went blastin' to London.

All of the leprichauns: Billy was getting annoyed here and there and said to stop being silly.

Elouise: Sean Bean ate Lembas and beans. _Which isn't a good combination guys._ And took refuge on Scotland!

Me: Uh oh...

Gina: What?

Me: Billy Boyd is Scottish.

Gina: *Frowns* Are you sure?

Me: YES GINA, I KNOW MORE ABOUT THE LOTR ACTORS THAN YOU!

Gina: Are you sure?

Me: *Tries to strangle Gina but is stopped by Bob Flim Flam*

All of the leprichauns: *Billy turned bright indigo and stamped on his bagpipes. He came back with his night glow boxers and stuffed them in Cate b.'s bazuka. _Let's just say, he's gonna get perfume in the face pretty soon._

Gina: Are you sure?

Goeff Hufflepuff: John R. D did some P.E using Billy's mighty bites. _Warning, DO NOT USE BILLY BOYDS MIGHTY BITES UNLESS YOU WANT HIM TO SHOW YOU HIS PIP-FOO MOVES... AS YOU AS A TARGET. So, afterwards there was a lot of cleaning up to do. _

*Irish music in the background which then turns to cheesy music*.

Gina: Are you sure? *Narrows eyes mysteriously.*

Everyone: YES GINA!

Gina: Sorry... *Bursts into tears* Don't worry *sniffs* I'm not offended at all... *Sobs*

Me: Face palms.

Elouise: So that's why Billy Boyd's head exploded, good bye. "Irish jigs or with the leprechauns.

Me: Well, that was odd...

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**What did ya think? I told you it was weird, didn't I, didn't I? SO ADMIT IT WHY DON'T YOU! There is a review button below and I'd like it very much if you were to click on it... So, please review and I will love you. I'll also give you a leprechaun.**


	2. What happened when my Grandma watched

Chapter 2: What happened when my Grandma watched the Hobbit and The Return of the King.

**Hey! This chapter is a real time when my Grandma watched RotK and The Hobbit: An unexpected journey. Basicly, my Grandma was saying and commenting on a lot of silly things so i did a faceplam or two. OK, run the chapter.**

**WARNING: THIS STORY IS INCREDIBLY WEIRD SO IF YOU DON'T LIKE CRAZY STUFF I RECCOMEND NOT TO READ THIS.**

**Person: Yes, it would be nice if you were to say something, whether you liked it or not etc.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing apart from A ROTK CD, a Hobbit CD and Orlando Bloom currently bound and gagged in the cellar guarded by my ninjas. QK. Now turn it sideways!**

**Return of the king.**

Pippin: Home is behind, the world ahead...

Grandma: What a lovely little mouth he's got.

My Dad: *Looks at Grandma strangely*

Me: *Facepalms*

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Sam: Don't leave me here alone, don't go were I can't follow.

Grandma: Has he got a medical Ph.D? He seems to.

My Dad: Just shut up Mum.

Me: *Groans and facepalms.*

_The trolls are pushing the Black gate of Mordor open._

Grandma: Why would they want to do that, do they get payed?

Me: Errr... No Grandma. *Facepalms*

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_Gollum falls into mount doom._

Me: Awww...

Grandma: NOOOOOOO! He's gorgeous.

Me: *Looks at her and begins shuddering at disturbing thoughts that I can not write here for obvious reasons*

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Legolas Thranduilion: A diversion.

Me: Legolas, will you marry me?

Grandma: NO! Orlando Bloom is going to marry ME!

My Dad: Errr...Mum, Orlando Bloom is 34, your 61... Just... No. I don't want the worst actor ever to be my Step-Dad.

Me: I want him as a husband, not a Grandad!

Grandma: Your only eight! **(A/N: I was eight at the time I first watched LotR)**

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_Frodo leaves for Valinor. _

Me: YAY! Good riddence Frodo.

Frodo: We set out to save the Shire, Sam and it has been saved, but not for me.

Me: WHAAA- Oh, yes Frodo. JUST the Shire, no where else.

Grandma: *Starts crying*

My Dad: *Starts crying*

Me: *Face palms*

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**The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey**

Gandalf: Oin, Gloin..

Grandma: Oink and Gloink?

Me: No, Grandma, Oin and Gloin.

Grandma: That what I just said!

Me: Facepalms

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_Bilbo is behind Gollum, about to chop his head off._

Grandma: *Shakes head* No...

Me: You fancy Gollum, don't you?

Grandma: Yes...

Me: Ewww.

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Gollum: We knows, we knows save paths for Hobbitses. Safe paths through the dark. Shut up!

Bilbo: I didn't say anything.

Gollum: I wasn't talking to you! Well, yes precious we was, we was.

Grandma: *Starts laughing at every other Gollum split personality bit*

Me: *Face palms*

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Dwarves are killing Goblins

Grandma: This is very blood-thirsty.

Me: It has to, it's about war... And gold... Dwarves'll do anything for shiny things; so will I...

Grandma: You don't say...

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**Yeah, my Grandma really does fancy Gollum (I'm sorry if I have mentally scarred you). So, I'd like it if you were to tell me what you think. So, without further ado, please review...**


	3. It all started with hiccups pt 1

**Hello! This new chapter is called it all started with hiccups. It explains why Arwen took Glorfindel's place in Peter Jackson's trilogy, in my own version. 'I know the proper reason but oh well, I don't really care. :) Okay, run the chapter.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, all credit goes to John Ronald another-name-that-I-can't-quite-remember Tolkien. Is it Reueld?**

**Person:I know what you meant, and I'm glad you liked it.**

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It all started with hiccups, an insane explanation fic pt 1

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Glorfindel and Elladan were happily drinking fizzy pop at McUndomiel's when _hic, hic, hic._ Elladan looked at Glorfindel strangely.  
"You're so chaetophobic." He muttered under his breath.

There was a pregnant silence between both the elf lord and son of Elrond.

"Do you _hic_ even know _hic_ what that _hic _means?" Glorfindel asked, putting the ice from the fizzy pop in his mouth to stop the hiccups- it didn't work.  
"It means- It means... SOMETHING!" Elladan shrieked, exasperatedly after a long silence.  
"It's a fear _hic_ of opera singers... You remember the _hic_ time Elrohir went to see the Phantom of the _hic_ Opera?" Glorfindel asked, getting seriously annoyed with the hiccups. Elladan shivered as he remembered it; he has told Elrohir that his ears were too sensitive...

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_Flashback_

Elrohir son of Elrond half elven of Rivendell shrieked as one of the actors began opera-singing. "MY EARS! IT'S SO SCARY!" He screamed as he ran out the theatre full of puppy dogs. Arwen and Elladan were waiting outside.  
"You're out early." Arwen commented, frowning. "Daddy said it was four hours long, you were exactly 3.4 seconds," Elrohir curled into a ball and rocked back and forth.  
"The-the opera singer... There terrifying, they hurt my ears, they're so high..." He muttered, sticking his thumb in his mouth, sucking on it like a four year old.  
"We'll be terrified when Ada finds out what happened and he eyebrow-of-dooms you vestiphobic plum!"

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Glorfindel fell of his chair, snapping him out of his frazzles. He turned to Elladan ,who was reading his phobia dictionary, when he saw Glorfindel looking at him he quickly tucked it away and began whistling innocently. "_Hic,_" Glorfindel hiccupped.  
"I have to go and get Ada a safe for all of his Orlando Bloom booty ™ 'cause Erestor has a crush on Will Turner and is always trying to steal it. He's always been a hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobic prune, " Elladan explained, getting out of his chair and picking up his phobia dictionary. Glorfindel blinked rapidly, "_hic _what?"  
"I don't know."  
"Okay... _Hic," _Asfoloths _real_ owner said slowly. "So, _hic _what should I do. And don't _hic_ quote Coraline, I know Arwen _hic_ does it." Elladan shrugged,  
"Arwen would say 'never wear dream in your dressing room, or mention the Scottish play'. I ,however, don't know... Curse someone, I guess." He then left to go to the Luthien stores.

Glorfindel thought about this for a while, "I curse _hic_... I curse. Aha! I _hic_ know!" His voice went all epic and a mysteriously Peter Jackson-y breeze began. "I curse thee who shalt be eyebrowed by Lord Elrond first, they shall do my job of saving Frodo while I practice my bell-tinkling!" The breeze then stopped and Glorfindel smiled. "I _hic _can't wait for this _hic_."

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**Here's part one! I hope you like it! Don't forget to review!**


	4. It all started with hiccups pt 2

**Hello! Thanks to lotrlover2931 and Person for reviewing and anyone who faved and followed. Tommyginger, Doctor Legolas, A diamond in the rough and anyone else who usually does review but didn't the last chapter, please review this time. :)Sorry the previous one's have been so short. I now write my special dotty-circley-multi-coloured notebook whatnot thing. OK, please enjoy. again**

**The Diamond in the Rough- Lilly, I am so sorry, if there was anything I could do to help your children I'd do it.**

Person:...** BLAME YAHOO ANSWERS, NOT ME!**

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Arwen sighed as she went up to her father, "Daddy?" She cried. "You've made a _recipe_ again." The horse stealer **(A/N: She did steal Asfaloth from poor Glorfy) **complained, throwing her veggie curry, which had magically come out of no where, over her shoulder, carelessly. There were scream of terror as in the background as a few buildings were set on fire and the vegetables from the curry turned into Daleks and attacked everyone with nerf guns.  
"Arwen, stop quoting Coraline or I'll lock you in the broom cupboard with the ghosts in it. Anyway, what did you want?" The half-elf asked.  
Gulping, Arwen lowered her head and muttered, "ErestorbrokeintothesafeElladanboughtyouandhasstolenyourOrlandoBloombooty™againandisrefusingtogiveitbackunlessMirandaKerrismurderedorforcedtobreakupwithOrla-ndo." She gabbled quickly.** (A/N****: I know Orlando has broken up with Miranda but this is why it'll be funny. By the way, the Orla-ndo was a mistake, so I made funniness from my mistake. )  
**Elrond looked at his daughter strangely.  
"And in Westron that is...?"  
"Erestor broke into the safe Elladan bought you and has stolen your Orlando Bloom booty™ again and is refusing to give it back unless Miranda Kerr is murdered or is forced to break up with Orla-ndo." translated Arwen. Then, a thing that changed how Peter Jackson adapted The Lord Of The Rings happened. Elrond eyebrowed at Arwen in surprise. She shrieked in terror and ran off. Elrond sighed and clapped his hands, "Gildor?" He called. The said Elf Gangnam Styled up to him. "Go and get Justin Bieber to invite Miranda Kerrto his party." Elrond ordered.  
The nurple haired elf squeaked, "your wish is my command!" He waved his bright pink (which had fairy dust shooting out of it, making Elrond sneeze) He then flew away. If you listened closely you could here a squeaky voice saying, "I can flyyyyy!" The Lord of Imladris sighed, _why is everyone weird here? _He thought.

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**Meanwhile, with Glorfindel, Elladan and Elrohir.**

"Oi! Glorfindel!" Elladan called angrily. He ran across the Imladris plaza, tripping over the fountain on the way and breaking his nose in the process. "You told me chaetophobia was a fear of opera singers b-" Elladan was interrupted by his brother when he screamed at the words 'opera singers'. "Anyway, it's actually a fear of hair you arachnophobic banana!"  
"Well... I'm not the one with the phobia dictionary and Legolas is the one with arachnophobia." Glorfindel replied, quirking an eyebrow and smirking.

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**Meanwhile, in Mirkwood...**

Legolas Thranduilion was prissily walking in Greenwood when a tiny black spider ran up the trunk of an oak tree; with a shrill scream, he unsheathed his long white knife and stabbed it. He then began shaking so much he shook to Cornwall. Sadly, he found out there were spiders the size of small cats there.

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**Back in Imladris**

"True... Wanna go to the Cinema?"" Elladan asked after a very long pause that lasted a week.  
"Since when did you want to go to the cinema?" Glorfindel was weirded out, seriously. Elladan shrugged and opened his mouth to say something that made no sense but was interrupted by Arwen sprinting up to them screaming her little, quiet voice box off.  
"What the hell is the matter Arwen?!" Elladan asked, covering his ears with pagodas.  
"D-daddy eyebrowed at me! I-I've got the curse Glorfindel set!" She stuttered.  
"Sweet!" The Elf-lord cheered, getting his confetti and the goat ready. "You've gotta go safe Frodo now!"  
"B-but it's not fair, I'm a girl!"  
"So? Eowyn never uses that excuse." Glorfindel retorted. Both siblings looked at him blankly.  
"Who's Eowyn?" They asked as if they were one person.  
"She- Ugh, don't worry, now hop to it, Arwy! Let's get this party started!"

So Arwen stomped off grumpily and stole Asfaloth from the stables. "I LOVE BOB MARLEY! REST IN PEACE NELSON ROLIHLAHLA MANDELA!" She screamed randomly. But, seriously, Rest in peace Mr. Mandela, you deserve it.

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**You Americans or Canadians, or anyone may not have heard of Nelson Mandela or his death, he was truly an amazing man:(. Please review**


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